She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
