I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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