He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
