I hate all girls vehemently.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
why is half of my head shaved?
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