I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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