Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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