paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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