If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
