We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize