If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
