I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
