If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
