I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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