seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
