Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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