You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
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