My nipple is on Facebook.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
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