she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Randomize
