babies were throwing up all over the place
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
