from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
