i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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