dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
