LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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