Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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