clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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