oh god the rape fog is back!
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
