Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize