I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Randomize
