Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
