i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I just found a bag of teeth...
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
