I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
