Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
