Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
