I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
