If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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