Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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