You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
