I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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