glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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