i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
