actually, I'm a sock model
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
