Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Randomize
