Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
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