I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
