he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
