You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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