She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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