we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize