I got chris browned last night
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
