The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
