Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
