I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
