Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I deserve this hangover.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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