im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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