I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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